View Full Version : is he being unfaithful??? please help
12-Jun-2007, 03:37 PM
salams, i am a 24 year old female. i have some questions to ask those who might have some answers... i have been married for 3 years and have had many marital problems. they consist of not getting enough love and attention from my husband and so forth. my latest issue is having busted my husband viewing THOUSANDS of porn pics and videos on our home pc. i confronted him about them and he said going thru a lot of personal issues, he vowed never to view the pics again and i felt as though he was extremeley remorseful, we deleted everything from the computer, two weeks later i came across new files and new pics and yet again confronted him, this time the pics were evn more and worse the the initial lot. i felt as though he wasnt very sory and that i had to live with the situation. from my part i feel this is a betrayal and dont know how to address the issue with my husband. I have asked for a divorce on several occasions for other issues, he declined. I dont know whether this issue is something i should continiue to worry about as i am unable to forget what i saw. please help!!!
12-Jun-2007, 03:49 PM
Salaam sister, I believe you should consult a sheikh on this matter because it is a personal matter between you and your husband that we shouldn't know about. You shouldn't publicise it. A sheikh would be more experienced and more helpful/knowledgable in this area. Or maybe you and your husband should seek marriage counselling.
My 2 cents worth.
May Allah be with you and give you patience and guide you and your husband. Ameen.
12-Jun-2007, 03:55 PM
i personally wouldn't advice anyone to use forums such as this to help u out with such issues.... speak to ppl u r close to and who know both u and ya husband....and hav experience in dealing wit such issues... coz the issue u want ppl on the forum to address ....isn't sumtin a total stranger to u and ya husband can address...thre r other factors to consider...thre is no blanket or straightforward answer.... thre r loadsa ppl experienced in handling such issues...such as the imams in some mosques and sheikhs in some islamic centres....
12-Jun-2007, 03:59 PM
Salams sis...I'm sorry to hear about this, it's a very difficult situation that you are in. The short answer to your question: no, he is not being unfaithful. Viewing porn - although haram - is not, technically, being unfaithful. If you ask experts they'll tell you that the majority of men view porn and it is not usually a reflection on the level of satisfaction they get from their partners, so as much as possible, try to understand it is not your fault.
Your husband has to know that you feel you are not getting enough love and attention from him. If he doesn't know, he can't fix this.
If your husband wants to stop his porn habit he could see someone about it with whom he is comfortable talking. He may want to see a neutral person you don't know personally - for example, a counselor; or he may prefer a religious figure.
A deeper issue here is: whether you want to stay in this marriage or not. Assuming you do, tell your husband that he, and your life with him, are important to you, and you want to give the marriage a chance. Pick a peaceful time to bring this up - let him know there are some things in the marriage that make you unhappy, you want to know if there are things making him unhappy, and you want to work on making it better with him.
See how that works. From the fact that he doesn't want to divorce you, I feel your husband does want to stay with you and he will most likely agree to try to iron out the issues in the marriage. If he doesn't want to talk/work things out, you have to ask yourself if you want to stay his wife. And I'm generally not a supporter of ultimatums, but you might consider telling him that if he doesn't agree to try to solve things, you will press ahead with a request for a divorce. But only resort to this if he does not agree to trying to talk about and overcome the problems.
Basically, I feel you need to give him a chance to fix things before giving up. He may not be aware that some of the things he is doing is causing you grief.
Ideally the two of you would go to counselling together, and sit down and talk about what you both want from the marriage, then work out ways to accomodate each others' wishes. Make concrete requests:
eg "I want you to stop looking at porn and I'll do everything I can to help you"
or "I want to set aside X number of nights a week where we spend time with each other"
These are just some minor thoughts. I agree with the other posters that seeing someone you trust such as a sheikh or a counsellor (in confidence) would be much more beneficial inshaAllah. Do please PM me if you have no one to turn to - I know of Muslim psychologists who may be able to refer you to someone suitable.
Let us know how things go sis. I'll make du'a for you.
12-Jun-2007, 04:12 PM
thankyou for your advice, i apologize to all the viewers for putting my very personal problems out there, but with this issue it was hard to speak to anybody that knows me or my husband, and he does NOT want to go to a sheikh or counsellor. I feel very isolated and even ashamed that i have this ugly situation in my life.
12-Jun-2007, 04:13 PM
sori if i upset you i just thought it would be better for you
why dont you speak to a shiekh on your own without him.
12-Jun-2007, 04:37 PM
Relax guys, This is hardly the sisters fault.
I don't think she posted her concerns to further damage her marriage.
May Allah make this easier on you sister.
12-Jun-2007, 05:07 PM
assalamu alaikum sis,
This is a really difficult situation for you to be in - may Allah make things easy for you - and the best advice is that you need to speak to someone whom you can sit down with and explain the situation in detail so they can advise you knowing everything.
Your husband is unlikely to want to go to get help as he is ashamed of his habit. Pornography addiction is a big problem nowadays particular with the internet. And pornography addiction is not easy for people to get rid of easily either so it is not surprising that your husband fell back into it. Since your husband does not want to see anyone at the moment there is some information here about fighting pornography addiction which might be good to pass onto him: http://www.soundvision.com/Info/life/porn/getrid.asp (there are more links at the bottom for more articles).
You should go see someone even by yourself so you can decide what you need to do this marriage. This can be a shaykh or a counselor. It will be kept anonymous so don't worry about it being spread around. Go to someone reputable and reliable.
I'm not sure which city you are located in but if you PM me or post the city here I'm sure we can help you find a shaykh or counselor who could help you insha'Allah.
In a situation like this it's impossible for anyone here to give actual advice on the situation because we don't know you or your husband and the exact situation. However, insha'Allah we can keep you in our du'as.
And remember most importantly to always ask Allah for help and make plenty of du'a.
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