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    Can a wife refuse the husbands call to bed? If not, isnt it like rape? 
    #1
    Adab-Akhlaq-Sabr Tay_'s Avatar
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    Answered by Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

    Question:

    What are the rights of woman after marriage? If the husband calls the wife to bed, can she say no? does the husband need the wife's consent to have Intercourse? If there is no consent, and the wife doesn't want to, and he forces himself over her, isn't that rape?"

    Answer:

    In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

    Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

    �When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him, thus he spends the night in anger, then the angels curse her until morning.� (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim, See: Riyad al-Salihin, No. 281)

    Talq ibn Ali (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

    �When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy, then she should come, even if she is (busy) in the cooking area.� (Sunan al-Tirmizi & Sunan al-Nasa�i)

    Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

    �By the one in whose hands is my life, there is not a man who calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him except that Allah becomes angry with her until her husband is pleased with her.� (Sahih Muslim, No. 1436)

    The above and other narrations of the beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) clearly signify the importance of the wife obeying her husband in his request for sexual intimacy. It will be a grave sin, in normal circumstances, for the wife to refuse her husband, and even more, if this leads the husband into the unlawful.

    Imam al-Nawawi (Allah have mercy on him) states in his commentary on the Hadith of Abu Huraira stated above:

    �This Hadith indicates that it is unlawful (haram) for the wife to refuse her husband for sexual intimacy without a valid reason. Menstruation will not be considered a valid reason, for the husband has a right to enjoy her from above the garment (on top of cloths).� (Sharh Sahih Muslim, P. 1084)

    However, this does not in any way mean that the husband may force himself over her for sexual gratification. The Hadith mentions that,

    �the husband spends the night in anger or being displeased,�

    which clearly shows that he must restrain himself from forcing himself over her. Had this not been the case, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would have advised the husband to gain his right in a forceful manner.

    Similarly, it should be remembered here that, the wife must obey her husband in his request for sexual intimacy unless she has a valid reason. She must obey him as long as she does not have to forego her own rights. As such, if the wife is ill, fears physical harm or she is emotionally drained, etc; she will not be obliged to comply with her husband�s request for sexual intimacy. Rather, the husband would be required to show her consideration.

    Allah Most High says:

    �On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear� (al-Baqarah, 286)

    Many times it is observed that the husband demands from his wife to fulfil his sexual needs no matter what state she is in, and uses the above quoted Hadiths to impose himself over her.

    If the wife is not in a state to engage in sexual activities and has a genuine and valid reason, and the husband forces her, then he will be sinful. Muslim husbands should realize that their wives are also humans and not some type of machines that can be switched on whenever they desire!

    Finally, these matters should be resolved with mutual understanding, regard for one another, love, gentleness and putting one�s spouse before one�s self.

    The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) has reported to have said:

    �None of you can be a true believer until they love for their brother what they love for themselves.�

    The importance of this is even greater in a marital relationship.

    And Allah knows best

    Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
    Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK
    www.daruliftaa.org
    Ibn Taymiyya (r) said: The Way of those Shuyukh of Tasawwuff is to call people to Allah's Divine Presence and obedience to the Prophet (Majma'a Fatawa Ibn Taymiyya, Dar ar-Rahmat, Cairo. Vol 11. Pg 497)
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    Love. Fear. Hope. cheesegirl's Avatar
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    Excellent post.

    Do you have any articles that specifically deal with the issue of marital rape in Islam? I'd like to know if a man violently forces himself on to his wife (or vice versa), is it called rape or is it considered an act of violence/mistreatment?
    "Have they not travelled in the land so that they should have hearts with which to understand, or ears with which to hear? For surely it is not the eyes that are blind, but blind are the hearts which are in the breasts."
    [al-Hajj, ayah 46]
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    Adab-Akhlaq-Sabr Tay_'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheesegirl View Post
    Excellent post.

    Do you have any articles that specifically deal with the issue of marital rape in Islam? I'd like to know if a man violently forces himself on to his wife (or vice versa), is it called rape or is it considered an act of violence/mistreatment?
    Further to what I posted above, I was able to locate this; InshAllah this is of assistance to you:

    Marriage: Demanding sex as abuse or rape

    Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

    Question:

    Regarding the answer to the question "Is it not a form of sexual abuse for a husband to be able to force his wife to have sex? How come the wife does not have the same right? " Why can the husband demand and the wife not? and where is that ruling derived from? what is the source from the Prophets hadiths that states this?

    Answer:

    In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate.

    May His blessings and peace be on His Beloved Prophet Muhammad, and his family, companions, and followers.

    Assalamu alaikum,

    Allah Most High has decreed that marriage entails certain rights and responsibilities, for both parties, because of wisdoms not lost on anyone who reflects and realizes that this is the command of the One aware of what is best for His creation.

    Among these obligatory rights is the right for each spouse’s physical needs to be fulfilled through marriage. The only difference is that the husband may ‘demand’ this, while the wife cannot, though she too has the right to due complaint and to seek that her rights be fulfilled. [Ibn Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar]

    This returns to various considerations, including the difference in the normal nature of male and female sexual desire, the husband being the amir of the family, and the consideration of how each party’s ‘demanding’ would affect marital relations, given the nature of men and the nature of women. Thus, this ruling is deeply rooted in Divine Wisdom. [Shah Wali Allah, Hujjat Allah al-Baligha; Zuhayli, al-Usra al-Muslima]

    This is at the level of law.

    The law of love is different: seeking one’s rights through demands, argument, and firmness is contrary to the spirit of the sunna of the Beloved Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace). It is established in the Sacred Law that it is disliked for a man to have intercourse with his wife without foreplay, given that women generally take longer to reach high sexual arousal. [Khadimi, al-Bariqa fi Sharh al-Tariqa, 4.203 and elsewhere]

    This is based on the reported words of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace),

    “Do not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire like the desire you experience, lest you fulfill your desires before she does.” [Mentioned by Imam Ibn Qudama in his Mughni]

    And it is authentically established that he (peace and blessings be upon him) said,

    “Verily your wife has rights over you.” [Bukhari and Muslim]

    We should be careful about the rhetoric we apply when thinking of things. There are two ways to look at things:

    a) subjective human perspectives alone, the following of which keeps one in the darknesses of confusion; or

    b) through the guidance of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace), which takes us out of these multitudinous darknesses to the light of spiritual realization.

    Following the guidance of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) entails not only outward ‘following’ of forms but—more importantly—submitting to it with one’s heart, mind, and soul out of realization that all good and benefit lie in the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him).

    فَإِلَهُكُمْ إِلَهٌ وَاحِدٌ فَلَهُ أَسْلِمُوا وَبَشِّرِ الْمُخْبِتِينَ الَّذِينَ إِذَا ذُكِرَ اللَّهُ وَجِلَتْ قُلُوبُهُمْ وَالصَّابِرِينَ عَلَى مَا أَصَابَهُمْ وَالْمُقِيمِي الصَّلاةِ وَمِمَّا رَزَقْنَاهُمْ يُنْفِقُونَ

    Allah Most High tells us in the Qur’an,

    “But your god is One God: submit to Him alone, and give good tiding to those who humble themselves in submission,-

    To those whose hearts when Allah is mentioned, are filled with fear, who show patient perseverance over their afflictions, keep up regular prayer, and spend (in charity) out of what We have bestowed upon them.” [Qur'an, 022.034-035]

    And Allah alone gives success.

    Wassalam,

    Faraz Rabbani
    Ibn Taymiyya (r) said: The Way of those Shuyukh of Tasawwuff is to call people to Allah's Divine Presence and obedience to the Prophet (Majma'a Fatawa Ibn Taymiyya, Dar ar-Rahmat, Cairo. Vol 11. Pg 497)
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    Senior Member Umm Binyameen's Avatar
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    Its very different to when a stranger rapes a totally non-consenting person. You can't compare the two.
    When Allah tests you, it is never intended to destroy you.
    When He removes something in your possession,
    it is only in order to empty your hands for an even greater gift."
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    #5
    Senior Member Umm Binyameen's Avatar
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    She has gone off him and doesn’t want to have any intimacy with him in bed

    I love my wife, but she has said that she doesn't love me. She does not want to have intercource with me. Earlier in our marraige we performed oral sex. Her position now that it is najas (impure), therefore she is turned of completely sexually. We have agreed that to fulfill my needs, I should marry another wife. But my job cut my salary considerably. I am afraid of angering Allah by divorcing her. Could I marry a woman who would waive some of my financial responsibilities until I am able to equally provide for both?

    Praise be to Allaah.

    You should know that it is not permissible for you to force your wife to do anything repulsive or that may cause impurity (najaasah) to enter the stomach, and you should have intercourse with her in a natural manner. Your wife should know that it is not permissible for her to forsake her husband’s bed when he calls her to do something that is permitted in Islam and to fulfil one of his rights, which is to enjoy her in the manner that Allaah has permitted. It is not permissible for a wife to refuse to share her husband’s bed without a legitimate shar’i excuse, such as when she is menstruating or bleeding following childbirth. A stern warning is issued to the wife who refuses to share her husband’s bed, and there are many ahaadeeth concerning that. It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘When a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he spends the night angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning comes.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, Bid’ al-Khalq, 2998)

    It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: “The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If a woman spends the night having forsaken her husband’s bed, the angels will curse her until she goes back.’” (narrated by al-Bukhaari, al-Nikaah, 4795)

    And it was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘By the One in Whose hand is my soul, there is no one who would be pleased with her.’” (Narrated by Muslim, al-Nikaah, 2595).

    It was narrated that Talq ibn ‘Ali said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘When a man calls his wife to him, then let her respond, even if she is at the oven (baking bread).’” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1080, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani, no. 927, in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi).

    If a woman consistently refuses to spend the night with her husband in his bed, then she forfeits her rights to maintenance and also her share of her husband’s time [in the case of a plural marriage], because maintenance is a right given in return for intimacy. Such a woman is considered to be naashiz (defiant, rebellious, disobedient). Al-Bahooti said: Nushooz (defiance, rebellion) means when a wife does not let her husband be intimate with her or she responds to him unwillingly as if she finds it too much when he calls her, and she only responds reluctantly.

    (Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat by al-Bahooti, vol. 3, p. 55)

    If a woman is defiant, then she no longer has the right to maintenance, because maintenance is in return for allowing her husband to have intercourse with her.

    Nushooz means a wife disobeying her husband with regard to her obligations towards him. Allaah has stated what the husband is permitted to do in the case of his wife’s being disobedient. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great”[al-Nisa’ 4:34]

    The fuqaha’ said: If she persists in her disobedience after he has admonished her and refused to share her bed, i.e., not slept with her as long as she persists in that, and not spoken to her for three days, because Allaah says, ‘refuse to share their beds’ – if she persists even though he has refused to share her bed and not spoken to her for three days, then he may hit her, but not hard.

    In this case, it is permissible for him to divorce her. Al-Mardaawi said: divorce is permissible when necessary because of the woman’s bad attitude and bad behaviour, or because of harm caused to him by her actions. So divorce is permissible in this case, and there is no scholarly dispute on this point.

    (al-Insaaf, vol. 8, p. 430)

    But if she has gone off you in a way that cannot be remedied, and she dislikes you so much, then in this case divorce is recommended, because staying married in this case is harmful to the wife. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There should be no harming or reciprocating harm.”

    See al-Mulakhkhas al-Fiqhi, vol. 2, p. 305.

    You will not be considered a sinner if you divorce her in this case. With regard to the solution of your financial problems, it is permissible for you to marry a woman who agrees to support herself, or who agrees to let you off some of your financial responsibilities towards her, just as it is permissible for you to agree with your first wife to stay married whilst forgoing some of her rights. It is permissible for a wife to forego some of her rights to a share of her husband’s time and maintenance so that he will keep her and so that she may stay married to him, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no sin on them both if they make terms of peace between themselves; and making peace is better” [al-Nisa’ 4:128]

    ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “This refers to a woman who is married to a man and he wants to divorce her, so she says, ‘Keep me and do not divorce me, and you are freed any obligation to spend on me or give me a share of your time…’”

    al-Mulakhkhas al-Fiqhi, vol. 2, p. 296

    Because maintenance is one of the wife’s rights, so when they reach an agreement that she will forgo her rights or some of her rights, then that is up to her. On this basis then if the woman whom you want to marry agrees to forgo maintenance, that is permissible. And Allaah knows best.


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    #6
    [recluse] Al Baitel 'ateeq's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuBMiSSioN View Post
    I don't get how it can be referred to as being rape. When a man and woman marry, they are automatically giving their consent to having sexual relations with the person they're marrying. I just don't see how it can be referred to as rape.
    Yes, the consent is there upon marriage but it's generally speaking. If you don't give consent every single time, then it's rape. That's the way i see it.

    Nowhere in what Umm Binyameen posted does it say that a man can force himself onto his wife (and i'm not saying that you're implying that). It does, however, outline the consequence toward the woman if she refuses, ie, angels cursing her until morning or until she goes back, no maintenance, etc. A woman does not have the right to refuse her husband (unless there is a good reason), but if she does, she is sinning, but the husband can't force himself upon her. That's how i understand it.
    أَوْلَادُكُمْ فِتْنَةٌ
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    "I don't know if i'm getting better or just used to the pain."
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    #7
    يا قلب لا تحزن SuBMiSSioN's Avatar
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    I'll leave it to the scholars to speak about this issue inshaa'Allaah. I retract my statements as I don't have the correct knowledge to speak in regards to this issue.
    What is for you will not pass you and what passes you is not for you!

    لا تضيع الامانة
    Do not lose the trust..
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