Marriage for students

[At-Ta'if]

I got married working long crap shifts had 2 start 1st bachelors then finished and had 3 kids worked for a bit long shifts less crappy had a 4th kid then start another bachelors completed now working alhamdulillah. It's wasn't easy mashallah and there is a lot to juggle but we have never had serious issue alhamdulillah now I'm doing 14hr night shifts ....wait.... Wha the !!!!!

Masha'Allah, keep it up brother.

[*saRah*]

It is going to be VERY hard akhi. Especially because you will be the bread winner and you are going to be studying full-time. I would suggest you do an istikhara. If you are ready to get maried to complete your deen and you are financially ready then you should go for it but it's going to be a struggle. Having said that, always remember that Allah swt will bless you in everything you do for HIS sake alone. I was studying full-time after I got married, then got pregnant and had to leave my studies to tend to my little man (and big man lol) and then went back to complete my degree and Alhamdullilah I graduated this year. After 5 hard long years, let me tell you, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was juggling too much at the same time, looking after my husband, my son, my house, cooking, cleaning, going to uni, studying at home MASHA'ALLAH...it's tough! I can only imagine it would be harder for a male simply because he would have to provide income. But let me tell you something, it all works out in the end Insha'Allah and you would not want it any other way and subhanAllah the reward in the end is greater than the struggles you faced masha'Allah

I always say, if a male says he is ready to get married, even if he is as young as 18 he should haste towards it.

[shaquille20]

I always say, if a male says he is ready to get married, even if he is as young as 18 he should haste towards it.

I did... but my wife doesnt like the idea.. :-(

[Curiously_Undercover]

^ haha!

[*saRah*]

MEN! lol

[At-Ta'if]

It is going to be VERY hard akhi. Especially because you will be the bread winner and you are going to be studying full-time. I would suggest you do an istikhara. If you are ready to get maried to complete your deen and you are financially ready then you should go for it but it's going to be a struggle. Having said that, always remember that Allah swt will bless you in everything you do for HIS sake alone. I was studying full-time after I got married, then got pregnant and had to leave my studies to tend to my little man (and big man lol) and then went back to complete my degree and Alhamdullilah I graduated this year. After 5 hard long years, let me tell you, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was juggling too much at the same time, looking after my husband, my son, my house, cooking, cleaning, going to uni, studying at home MASHA'ALLAH...it's tough! I can only imagine it would be harder for a male simply because he would have to provide income. But let me tell you something, it all works out in the end Insha'Allah and you would not want it any other way and subhanAllah the reward in the end is greater than the struggles you faced masha'Allah

I always say, if a male says he is ready to get married, even if he is as young as 18 he should haste towards it.

JazakAllah khair for your concise response, it's good that you continued with your studies and graduated. I'm beginning to see a trend and that is, everybody has some sort of difficulty at the start which most people have been able to overcome with time.

I was speaking to my brother at work today and we were coming up with so many possibilities and different scenarios, some were quite funny.

[Najah]

I think its an excellent idea brother, very sensible. Its the best way to deal with the fitna of the world, especially going to uni. I think it might also be easier if u find another student as well, as she would be more understanding than say a sister who is working already or is staying at home. It will be very hard financially, but as long as you can meet the basic needs of your future wife then islamically that is all that is required of u. I would advise, if possible whilst studying if u can either live at each others parents house, it will save u money and amongst other things time. You both will be coming and going alot due to your work/uni schedules, so you want your time together to be just that, not filled with housework constantly, which of course u will have to contribute to eitehr way if ur living with someone. Also rent is expensive! Even if ur living in a small flat for $250 a week, thats over $1000 a month alone just for rent. I only stopped working after I gave birth (which was 5 years after marriage) and now when I think back on things I regret a bit not living with my in-laws for that time when we didn't have a child. We could of saved up so much money as we were both working full time and both students at one time. But my in-laws lived in Geelong in Melbourne, which is very far away from alot of things and the muslim community there is a minority and extremely weak, so that was a hinderance as well.

[SabrinAbdalla]

agreed

[At-Ta'if]

Najah, JazakAllah khair. I agree that paying for rent off a single part-time wage would be financially exhausting and would drain any funds for other needs. There are other options though, and one of them is staying at each others parent's house. Either way, I have a wonderful opportunity at the moment to save up and I will continue thinking ahead and spend wisely.

I'll transfer my thoughts to paper in an organised format so I can analyse my personal situation and go from there insha'Allah.

[At-Ta'if]

On a different note, I don't know how accurate this is but it is said that in the mid-nineteenth century no Chechen girl would consent to marry a man unless he had killed at least one Russian, could jump over a stream twenty-three feet wide, and over a rope held at shoulder-height between two men.

If that criteria was implemented in this day and age, nobody will be able to get married

(I'm not encouraging anybody to kill Russians!)

[Najah]

Wa iyyakum.

You could translatd that into modern day, where no woman would agree to marry unless she had a house and $50,000 mahr...but that's another day and another topic.

But staying at each parents house is good idea too, its just means ur taking a bit longer to move in together.

[El Muslima]

$50 000, must be a lebo mahar (where no woman would agree to marry unless she had a house and $50,000 mahr) (....well generally speaking, not all lebos. maybe ?? .. but that's a drainer!! The poor guy, worse if he is a poor student ...

Why can't they move in together ? Just stay at one of the parent's house.

[Tahirah]

$50 000, must be a lebo mahar (where no woman would agree to marry unless she had a house and $50,000 mahr) (....well generally speaking, not all lebos. maybe ?? .. but that's a drainer!! The poor guy, worse if he is a poor student ...

Lol thats so true... Only the mahar seems to be increasing every year, they make it so hard on the guys... Alhamdulillah not all lebos are like that, my parents aren't at all an theyre lebos... I think the culture plays a big role. Brother At-Taif my advice to you is make istikhara and you cant go wrong, what Allah chooses for you is the best choice you will ever make. Ask Allah to lead you to what is best for you, and if its meant to happen now believe me it will and Allah will make the path so easy for you and if not then Alhamdulillah for everything, its not your time yet... Everyone gets tested in their life, especially after marriage, wether working full time or student but if you have the right spouse inshallah both of you will be patient and take everything as it comes. May Allah give you a righteous partner who will be understanding and patient and that will be good for you in this life and the Hereafter...

[Muslim..Priincess]

On a different note, I don't know how accurate this is but it is said that in the mid-nineteenth century no Chechen girl would consent to marry a man unless he had killed at least one Russian, could jump over a stream twenty-three feet wide, and over a rope held at shoulder-height between two men.

If that criteria was implemented in this day and age, nobody will be able to get married

(I'm not encouraging anybody to kill Russians!)

The time and place were different. When you have the Russians spilling out your blood and murdering your family and destroying your property, I'd presume you'd want a strong man to protect you, so I guess I could understand that mentality.

You could translatd that into modern day, where no woman would agree to marry unless she had a house and $50,000 mahr...but that's another day and another topic.

You know, it's not only the woman but also the unrealistic expectations of the family, be it the father or the mother. You have fathers out there ready to sell their daughters, or look at other dunya matters such as education, weath, job before the deen when it comes to marriage.

I think the major reason why it's so hard to get married these days is because muslims have distanced themselves from the essence of marriage in Islam and brought in culture instead. These days marriage is such a big deal, but when you look at the prophet's time it was really easy and simple. I remember reading about a sahabah ( forgot his name) that he got married, made a small weleema and didn't even invite the prophet because he didn't think it was a big deal.

And in the case of the OP, I think the advice has been really good. It's a lot easier to have the wife study whilst her husband has already graduated and working then vice versa. but saying that, I think the safest and most halal option is to do nikah and stay like that until you make a living for yourself and your future family-doesn't have to be a lot, just enough to make you live. I guess effectively you'd be in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship ( except that your married) but I guess it would be a good thing because it will give you time to know each other more.

Anyway, May Allah(swt) give you the best.

[sonsonator]

Back to the topic.

I think it's possible to be both a successful student and a successful spouse. You just need to have excellent time management skills inshallah! My husband was working full-time and completed his Dip Ed via correspondence. He would study when the kids were asleep, so as not to encroach on our family time alhamdulillah, and I would help him where I could (reading through/editing etc).

When I got married, I was in the first year of my PhD. I had both my first child in my final year, and my second while I was writing up my thesis. When my youngest started kindergarten, I decided to embark on the craziness of medical school, and just finished fourth year (two to go!). Alhamdulillah I have a VERY supportive (and patient) husband! I never study when the kids are awake....only in the week before exams. I manage my time well so that the household is in order, the kids get their due with homework and Quraan help, sporting commitments, and the study I fit in when they are either asleep or at school.

[mayk]

Medicine after a PhD, very rare. I guess some wiring in your brain needs fixing... Anyway I am a big supporter of female doctors, May Allah make this easy for you.

[your sister]

mashALLAH Sonsonator you are a very driven and must be very organised sis. I am falling apart with just juggling my house hold.

[Al Baitel 'ateeq]

I've split the mahr posts to the following thread

[At-Ta'if]

I've split the mahr posts to the following thread

Thank you.

[Ummi_Abdulmalik]

Wa iyyakum.

You could translatd that into modern day, where no woman would agree to marry unless she had a house and $50,000 mahr...but that's another day and another topic.

But staying at each parents house is good idea too, its just means ur taking a bit longer to move in together.

*hands on hips* Exsqueeze me. My Mahr was only a ring and a pendant with Allah's name.

At-Taif - if you can find a sister who is willing to live with your parents until you are capable of renting a house then that's better.
But of course it would be hard to find.