Marrying a revert...

[The Poet]

Asalamu 'Alaykuum,

I'm looking for a revert to marry, however, would like to gather any advice regarding our revert sisters such as if anyone here is married to a revert sister and what to expect from them regarding their families and themselves.

Please don't turn this thread into a debate thread etc, or arguing thread - if you are then I kindly ask you to move on from here.

Jazakuum Allahu Kheir

[At-Ta'if]

Wa Alaykum Assalam Wa Rahmatullah,

My brother is married to a revert and dealing with the family can be difficult depending on their appreciation of the sister's conversion. In my brother's case, they keep in contact with her family and visit each other. Her family were not welcoming at the beginning but this is to be expected. Over time they tend to "get over it". Your behaviour towards them will have an influence on how they act.

My family get along with my brother's wife very well masha'Allah. My sister gets along with her extremely well and despite the age difference, they're like best friends. My family didn't approve of the idea of my brother marrying a revert at the start but they have no concerns now alhamdulillah, Qadr Allah.

In regards to what to expect from the sister herself, I'm not in a position to comment on that.

Wassalam.

[The Poet]

^ Jazak Allahu Kheir akhi, I really appreciate your reply.

I understand it is difficult when "breaking the ice" between families, but I am still a man who likes to give things a "crack" so inshallah if I do find a suitable revert, I may give it a shot despite the rocky road.

And may Allah increase the love between your brother, his wife and your family for the Sake of Allah.

[Islam_Junkie]

Just curious...why are you limiting your potential spouse to a revert?
Anyway most of my friends are reverts married to an array of different nationalities, and Alhumdullilah like At'Taif mentioned you have your issues with the family sometimes at the beginning but with good manners and Islamic character they usually 'come around'...having said that you can have issues with any in laws not just non Muslim ones! Sadly in some cases the 'muslim' ones can be worse. Anyway that's another subject.
Anyway all the best with your marital endeavors...may Allah make it easy on you to find the right spouse for you.

[your sister]

Salamu alaykum, I was married to a revert (brother). His family played a big role, he became in doubt of his deen as a result. It can be very difficult when dealing with inlaws, for example his mum would stay overnight and do things like order bacon pizza and watch a show with homosexuals ect. She wouldnring up the topic of terrorism often. She did well to place doubt in him against the deem and our marriage, which obviously ended in divorce . With him, I would say he struggled but if you asked anyone about him , they would speak highly of him and his eman but I had a different insight , with out trying to backbite , I saw his other side. My fear having dealt with such inlaws is that one day they will meet my son and try to place doubts in his mind aswell, actually I have no doubt they will do that. May Allah make him a strong firm believer

[The Poet]

Just curious...why are you limiting your potential spouse to a revert?
Anyway most of my friends are reverts married to an array of different nationalities, and Alhumdullilah like At'Taif mentioned you have your issues with the family sometimes at the beginning but with good manners and Islamic character they usually 'come around'...having said that you can have issues with any in laws not just non Muslim ones! Sadly in some cases the 'muslim' ones can be worse. Anyway that's another subject.
Anyway all the best with your marital endeavors...may Allah make it easy on you to find the right spouse for you.

See this is the thing, I wasn't limiting my options to only reverts from before, I was open to anyone. However, after trying a number of times with families and sisters who were born Muslims, they would always try and stuff me up (the family that is). I had no problem with the sisters, they all accepted me however, their families would start laying out the mahr with such extravagance, sometimes they would not accept things that were really big and dear to me as conditions and more, so in he end I'd just call it off.

The reason why I was asking about revert families is to see how they compared to the others that I've dealt with. And there seems to be a general trend that their families like to talk it up to make their kid fall off of Islam.. BUT, Alhamdulillah Sheikh Feiz is a wali to many reverts who practically don't have family anymore due to their reversion, so I might speak to him about a possible sister if he has any inshallah.

Salamu alaykum, I was married to a revert (brother). His family played a big role, he became in doubt of his deen as a result. It can be very difficult when dealing with inlaws, for example his mum would stay overnight and do things like order bacon pizza and watch a show with homosexuals ect. She wouldnring up the topic of terrorism often. She did well to place doubt in him against the deem and our marriage, which obviously ended in divorce . With him, I would say he struggled but if you asked anyone about him , they would speak highly of him and his eman but I had a different insight , with out trying to backbite , I saw his other side. My fear having dealt with such inlaws is that one day they will meet my son and try to place doubts in his mind aswell, actually I have no doubt they will do that. May Allah make him a strong firm believer

Wa'Alaykuum Asalam,

SubhanAllah, as I said in my above post, it seems to be a trend that they would try to do this to their kid who reverted - my neighbour is facing a similar thing at the moment with his inlaws (nothing wrong with his wife - she knows shes Muslim and doesn't doubt islam, but her parents always try and get involved with their child and feed him non-halal things etc)..

Kheir inshallah, Jazakuum Allahu Kheir

[Ummi_Abdulmalik]

The only way to get my dad to like a potential husband is if he went and asked permission from him, that's "why" my dad apparently didn't like my husband before.

It would really depend on the revert's family, my mum and sister were good with my husband until things went sour in our marriage.

[The Poet]

The only way to get my dad to like a potential husband is if he went and asked permission from him, that's "why" my dad apparently didn't like my husband before.

It would really depend on the revert's family, my mum and sister were good with my husband until things went sour in our marriage.

I understand what your saying, so long as the father is acceptive of the fact that I was going to marry his daughter, however, I make him aware of it, then I don't think I would have to resort to anything 'dramatic'.

Jazaki Allahu Kheir

[littleMother]

just to repeat what everyone is saying basically. the family could cause problems. but then again, sometimes muslim inlaws can be worse!

im a revert and so is my husband. i havent met my mother in law yet because she lives overseas but I see my father in law regularly. the relationship is pretty neutral. every now and then he will bring up an issue about hijab or terrorism etc but other than that, hes pretty good masha'Allah. may Allah guide my inlaws to Islam.

my dad was ok with my husband. I told him from the beginning that I was going to get married and invited him to the wedding but he couldnt make it becuase of 'work'. i knew that was just an excuse. but, hes pretty good with him. although he lives interstate so not much of a relationship.


just remember that if you have children, then they may influence them in some way in the future. not all non-muslims have evil intentions with regards to their grandchildren but some do and I have seen children let astray by their non-muslim relatives more than once, sadly

[The Poet]

just remember that if you have children, then they may influence them in some way in the future. not all non-muslims have evil intentions with regards to their grandchildren but some do and I have seen children let astray by their non-muslim relatives more than once, sadly

Inshallah this shouldn't be a problem for me, due to the fact I plan to live overseas inshallah once I'm finished with my university studies. So hopefully there will be little effect on them. And this exactly what is happening with my neighbour and his inlaws. Trying to influence the kids in a bad way.

[carol_au]

Brother.. may Allah reward you for your thoughts and guide you as you search for a suitable wife.

When thinking of a revert sister to marry, please do keep in mind that she like many of us, give up their families and their homes to become Muslims and then struggle alone. If you find such a sister insha'Allah, you will be helping her not only to find a husband, but you may also be giving her your family as her new family..

This is something many of us long for...

[aussiemu]

assalamu alaikum

Just as a general advice, don't get the idea into your head that marrying a revert will be easier than marrying someone from a Muslim family. I only say this so there can be no feeling of disappointment when married that things aren't 'easier'. Every marriage has its own uniue set of trials, issues and problems and whilst in some ways some reverts may be easier to deal with in other ways they won't and similarly same with those from Muslim families - some Muslim families are horrible to deal with and others are the ones that save/enhance your own marriage. So my point is just to keep that in mind always that there is no set formula for marriage and just keep your options open to everyone. Many people have said they would marry <insert revert/nationality> or said they won't marry <insert whatever> but have ended up doing that. It's all the will of Allah SWT and the main thing is to ask Allah SWT to open the doors to whatever is good for you in this life and the next. You may plan to marry, to have children, to go overseas and so on but who knows where you will be in 5 years time? That's why it is better to not have expectations too much of what your future will be and expect things will be easier because of such reasons.

may Allah SWT give you a righteous spouse good for you in this life and the next.

wassalamu alaikum

[The Poet]

Brother.. may Allah reward you for your thoughts and guide you as you search for a suitable wife.

When thinking of a revert sister to marry, please do keep in mind that she like many of us, give up their families and their homes to become Muslims and then struggle alone. If you find such a sister insha'Allah, you will be helping her not only to find a husband, but you may also be giving her your family as her new family..

This is something many of us long for...

Jazaki Allahu Kheir sister, I assure you that I understand and know, especially the point made about my family becoming her family too. None of us would ever like to be from the oppressors and from those whose hearts are harder than rock, and I believe that I'm a person who likes to include people rather than isolate them, especially if they are a person who have given me their heart.

assalamu alaikum

Just as a general advice, don't get the idea into your head that marrying a revert will be easier than marrying someone from a Muslim family. I only say this so there can be no feeling of disappointment when married that things aren't 'easier'. Every marriage has its own uniue set of trials, issues and problems and whilst in some ways some reverts may be easier to deal with in other ways they won't and similarly same with those from Muslim families - some Muslim families are horrible to deal with and others are the ones that save/enhance your own marriage. So my point is just to keep that in mind always that there is no set formula for marriage and just keep your options open to everyone. Many people have said they would marry <insert revert/nationality> or said they won't marry <insert whatever> but have ended up doing that. It's all the will of Allah SWT and the main thing is to ask Allah SWT to open the doors to whatever is good for you in this life and the next. You may plan to marry, to have children, to go overseas and so on but who knows where you will be in 5 years time? That's why it is better to not have expectations too much of what your future will be and expect things will be easier because of such reasons.

may Allah SWT give you a righteous spouse good for you in this life and the next.

wassalamu alaikum

Wa'Alaykuum Asalam,

BarakAllahu Feekuum, I appreciate the advice and insight. Like I said, this is not my first time I look for a sister, my options have always remained open, and after dealing with other Muslims I've decided to "give this a crack" to see if there is anything in it inshallah. And believe you, me, I have learnt a lot about not having high expectations and hopes, like I said, from past experiences. Best thing to do is be neutral, pray istakharaa, skim the water to see what's happening/any potential, and move on from there inshallah. As for moving overseas etc, that is a pre-condition for me continuing with any proposal, that I have that if I do get the opportunity to move, then I am inshallah, married or not.

And Ameen thuma Ameen, Jazakuum Allahu Kheir, I appreciate the du'a. May Allah help us all!

[falah]

The only way to get my dad to like a potential husband is if he went and asked permission from him, that's "why" my dad apparently didn't like my husband before.

It would really depend on the revert's family, my mum and sister were good with my husband until things went sour in our marriage.

When you say, "ask for permission" do you mean just running things by him, or actually asking for permission? Because a kafir has no right over a Muslim woman in terms of guardianship.

[Nusayba]

The brothers and sisters have stated good points to consider. I agree that one can face some really difficult tests whether they marry reverts, or muslims from the same nationality or different nationality. There are different issues to consider as well if the revert is a new muslim or has been muslim for a good period of time to establish their foundations well with good knowledge. I was engaged to marry a revert brother personally, in my case though they hadn't been muslim for very long, didn't have friends at the time which were in my opinion 'correctly practicing', they were brothers who mixed up a lot of cultural views with Islam and that easily confused the brother and caused us a lot of problems. i think one must realise that if they marry a revert they need to be prepared to have a lot of patience, there is so much for them to learn, and it can be a problem if the first things they learn are incorrect, a lot of explaining is involved. For someone who has been muslim all their life, its easy for us to understand why some views are incorrect, or weak but it can be really overwhelming and confusing for a new muslim. It can be even more difficult if they have a family who isn't supportive of their islam and constantly bombard them with comments. The problem of interference from the family is more easily dealt with if Islam has had time to establish itself firmly in the brother or sister.

That experience made me feel that i would find it easier marrying someone already muslim from the same nationality, but when i was later engaged to be married to an Arab brother, that did not turn out well at all for me, and brought a whole other set of problems. I decided to leave it to Allah (swt) after that and alhamdulillah in the end i got married to a Sri Lankan brother, subhanallah if a year earlier someone had told me i would get married to a Sri lankan i would have laughed and said 'no way' but after now 8 years of marriage i believe that Allah (swt) knows what is best for us more than our own selves! So in conclusion from my experience its best not to looking for something in particular, but to make dua to Allah (swt) to bless you with a wife that will make you happy, will be good for you in this life, and for the hereafter, and subhanallah you may find it in the least expected people.

[Ummi_Abdulmalik]

When you say, "ask for permission" do you mean just running things by him, or actually asking for permission? Because a kafir has no right over a Muslim woman in terms of guardianship.

Actually asking permission, my dad had a hissy fit about it.
Because he's old fashion in that stuff, my sister's partner had to ask permission and get a lecture of 'if you dont care for her i'll hunt you down'

I know Islamically he doesn't need my dad's permission but this is my dad's way of thought, he doesn't think in an Islamic Perspective

[fatima_43]

Because he's old fashion in that stuff, my sister's partner had to ask permission and get a lecture of 'if you dont care for her i'll hunt you down'

that's the proper way umm A

[Ummi_Abdulmalik]

Because he's old fashion in that stuff, my sister's partner had to ask permission and get a lecture of 'if you dont care for her i'll hunt you down'

that's the proper way umm A

I know my dad is very old fashioned, so my siblings and I are brought up like that ... so dad was really angry, upset , hurt when he wasn't asked for my hand in marriage

[The Poet]

@ Nusayba:

SubhanAllah, spot on, Walahi we don't know what to expect in life and you are right, we should leave it all up to Allah. Things you least expect to happen, sometimes do happen when you least expect it.

Jazaki Allahu Kheir for that, I appreciate it!

[The Poet]

Also, about 2 weeks ago I had a dream (I believe after fajr) that I was with a lady who was not Arab etc, she looked like a caucasian, and I was driving in a car with her, then we came to this checkpoint or something where I saw some brothers that I knew, and I told them "this is my wife" without them actually seeing her, because she remained in the car...

So yeah, not saying this will happen, but it definitely has stirred some thought in my mind.