Marrying a revert...

[aussiemu]

carol: I think very young reverts who have just reverted should not be told about marriage - they should establish themselves. A young person coming from a Western background and upbringing need to focus on their deen without adding all the extra pressures that marriage adds. I've just seen a bit too many disasters to think otherwise. There are always exceptions though but in general that's how I feel.

As for walis that is definitely a big issue - most walis are picked on the day and are usually friends / family of the man rather than a wali for the girl. Once marriage is over you'll basically never see them again and they are surely not going to help when problems arise. Also I think in general actual male family members are taken a lot more seriously than a wali outside the family. Usually it is not just a father or brother but a whole family behind them. Anyways it's sad but the reality.

[Umm Binyameen]

I sometimes feel that it would be harder to be a practicing muslim in a non-practicing family, than being a revert and no family. Both are hard of course, but I understand that it would also be hard for born muslims struggling with their families.

[your sister]

^Everyone has their challenges and unique set of issues. It can be very difficult to practice islam whilst having to deal with so called muslim family .especially since they are always in your face and you have to explain their jahil ways to your children.

[carol_au]

I think everyone is misunderstanding and taking my words in unintended ways.. so Al Hamdulillah .. I think I'll gracefully move away from posting.

I am only giving one view and not disregarding the needs of others.. my only comment is that Shaykh Abu Ayman encouraged marriage to me almost as soon as I arrived in Melbourne as did Shaykh Tawfique after my reversion.

The problem is not getting marrried.. in my opinion every sister needs a protector whoever that one may be.. a revert needs a husband.. the problem faced by reverts who marry is often not the fact that they are new to Islam, but the brothers they marry. like for all sisters whether they marry a born muslim or not.. brothers need to be true Muslims and accept the fact they will be judged by Allah sWT for abusing the trust.

Marriage for anyone, no matter if they are born muslim or a new revert should be part of a journey of learning together and anything less than that, regardless of how long either have been married, is a loss that will be felt for eternity. A brother that helps his wife is an expectation in Islam, based on his role as the Shepherd of the Flock.. who better for a sister to learn her her Islam from and with than the man she marries as her protector.. Sadly this is all too often not the situation..

The issue is much bigger than just a few words in answer to a brother who asked about difficulties associated with marrying a revert.. you all gave views I don't disagree with.. I simply added another.. and my own perspective on things based on experiences of my own and sisters I know.

[Ummi_Abdulmalik]

I do agree with you Carol, I got married so young because Sister's were telling me it's safer for me and also my husband can teach me more about Islam.
But then I think my marriage was a bit too quick and so I feel right now that's one of the major reasons why I am now single. We married too fast without much knowledge of each other...but hey Allah knows best

[your sister]

^ you think not having a wali is an issue try having a wali (not saying you shouldnt have a wali but I am sure some of the younger sisters can tell you how problematic that can be at times)! just look at A.K. situation. I don't know why the shuyukh would have suggested marriage to you, perhaps because you are a mature age sister and you can make wise judgement in marriage ect. But they are both very experienced when it comes to dealing with the community and perhaps overall and according to their own experience,they still feel it is better for a new muslim to marry (not sure just speculating) .perhaps like you said your perspective is based on your own experience.Not all sisters face the same issues, for instance I know many sisters who married very soon after becoming muslim and are alhamdulillah still very much happily married.

[Ummi_Abdulmalik]

...no sheikh told me to marry only sister's did.
pft mature i was 16 man! I had just arrived in Roxburgh Park from Doncaster.

[The Poet]

Sisters were never a problem for me, it was always their walis that stuffed it up in some way or I would pray istakharaa and when I felt certain I would discontinue due to how I felt/what I saw after istakharaa multiple times.

The last time I went to ask for a sister, the sister saw me and accepted, but the wali wouldn't let me see her (she wore niqaab) so I cancelled it because I wouldn't be able to see her for awhile. How am I supposed marry someone if I don't know how she looks? Keeping in mind it's a Sunnah and I'm doing it in the halal.

So after that I cancelled it because the father seemed like he wanted to play games and prolong things, and was too cultural. 3 weeks later he approached my dad 3 times to come back, but after further inspection he seemed the same so I just ignored it. The sister was a good girl but her wali wasn't. And there were other things but this was the stand out.

[Ahmad]

carol: I think very young reverts who have just reverted should not be told about marriage - they should establish themselves. A young person coming from a Western background and upbringing need to focus on their deen without adding all the extra pressures that marriage adds. I've just seen a bit too many disasters to think otherwise. There are always exceptions though but in general that's how I feel.

It's true.

[your sister]

...no sheikh told me to marry only sister's did.
pft mature i was 16 man! I had just arrived in Roxburgh Park from Doncaster.

:P was talking to sis carol

[@sim]

The problem is not getting marrried.. in my opinion every sister needs a protector whoever that one may be.. a revert needs a husband.. the problem faced by reverts who marry is often not the fact that they are new to Islam, but the brothers they marry. like for all sisters whether they marry a born muslim or not.. brothers need to be true Muslims and accept the fact they will be judged by Allah sWT for abusing the trust.

Well said sister.

Most women who are born Muslims often have the advantage of family to protect them if things go bad; A father, a brother, a cousin to keep the guy in check and beat him to a pulp if he pulls any stunts. Reverts don't always have this backing as many are often shunned by their families. Also, most women have the advantage of a Wali who can (for the most part) sift through the riff-raff, but Reverts don't and their judgements can become clouded by emotions.

Anyone considering a revert should think twice before playing musical chairs with lives. They really should think several times over before taking on such a huge responsibility, especially if she's recently embraced Islam. Those considering really need to take a long hard look at themselves and ask whether they really are able to deal with marrying a revert; whether you are able to cope with the fact that she's learning Islam and may not understand everything you take for granted; whether you are able to cope with the fact that her thought process may not be along the same lines as yours; whether you are able to cope with the fact that your wife is not like your Mom and that Momma's Boy isn't living with his Mom anymore; whether you are able to cope with the fact that she may not know how to cook; whether you are able to cope with the fact that you may not find her attractive; whether you are able to cope with the fact that she will undoubtedly come with added baggage, be that emotional or physical; whether you are able to cope with the fact that she may be an "independent" person; whether you are able to cope with the fact that she has had a past life.

There is then the other side of the coin where she could apostate. If children are involved, it could get really messy. What happens if she takes the children? Would you want to be responsible for bringing a child to this world who is raised a kaffir? A daughter who is "Western" in all aspects except by name? Qadr is with Allah's will and we don't know the future, but the reality is that these incidents do happen. I've personally seen it happen with a family.

If one can't handle some of these realities, then it's worth thinking things through before jumping on the bandwagon. Don't just marry a revert if you think it's the easier solution.

[SuBMiSSioN]

^Most, if not all, of the above can apply to marrying a woman who was born into a Muslim family too. So yes, think about all of the above, no matter how the woman came to Islam.

[SammerTX]

All women at one point can't cook, can't drive, yell, whine, cry for no reason, over react, exaggerate, want quality time, hate their in laws, talk too much, exert passive aggressiveness, emotionally blackmail, interrupt, gossip, call you too much, argue, suffer low self esteem, not look their best, nag, tell you to tuck your shirt in, throw out your clothes, get jealous, ask you "who was that?", give dirty looks, watch Oprah, buy things they don't need just because they are on sale, return things because they feel bad they weren't on sale, 0-psycho in 3 seconds flat, spend your money, make a timetable complete with color coded diagrams how you will spend the weekend and justify every purchase they make with "it's cute".

Aside from that, all you need to do is find the right girl for you.

[Ummi_Abdulmalik]

I have never watched Oprah in my life thanks Sammer

[NRaf]

All women at one point can't cook, can't drive, yell, whine, cry for no reason, over react, exaggerate, want quality time, hate their in laws, talk too much, exert passive aggressiveness, emotionally blackmail, interrupt, gossip, call you too much, argue, suffer low self esteem, not look their best, nag, tell you to tuck your shirt in, throw out your clothes, get jealous, ask you "who was that?", give dirty looks, watch Oprah, buy things they don't need just because they are on sale, return things because they feel bad they weren't on sale, 0-psycho in 3 seconds flat, spend your money, make a timetable complete with color coded diagrams how you will spend the weekend and justify every purchase they make with "it's cute".

Aside from that, all you need to do is find the right girl for you.

You forgot make you sleep on the couch. Or the veranda...

[Abdraheim]

We'll it's good u don't watch Oprah then ....


And the trap questions "do I look fat in this?, do you think she is beautiful?, how much do you love me? Etc ... N never talk about past marriage interests, engagements, marriages

[Umm Binyameen]

Excuse me but men have the same issues, worse in some cases.

[SammerTX]

Excuse me but men have the same issues, worse in some cases.

Like I was saying...

[The Poet]

We'll it's good u don't watch Oprah then ....


And the trap questions "do I look fat in this?, do you think she is beautiful?, how much do you love me? Etc ... N never talk about past marriage interests, engagements, marriages

lol

[Muslim..Priincess]

Excuse me but men have the same issues, worse in some cases.

Let's elaborate.