The Broken Woman

**Muhammad Abdullah** · 08-Jun-2005 11:34 PM

When talking about such marriages, we should leave it to Allah, His Messenger and the Salaf & Khalaf.

**Najah** · 09-Jun-2005 12:28 AM

I watched a video titled Advice to Muslim Women, by Khalid Yasin, and he talked about polygamy. He said that there is nothing wrong with a wife not wanting or liking her husband to marry a 2nd wife, and she can tell hiim that BUT she should not stop him from doing so, and tell him that if thats what he has to do, then he should do it, but doesn't mean that she likes it any better. Note this doesn't mean that she doesn't believe in it, because you cant reject any of Allah's laws. It wouldn't be natural not to have any jealously. I personally don't have a problem with it ( I think my husband to be will have enough headache dealing with me lol) nor do I find it disgusting, or wrong, khalas it has been made halal and there is nothing we can say or do to make it otherwise.

**Muhammad Abdullah** · 09-Jun-2005 12:31 AM

The wives of the Prophet Muhammad had jealously. So much so, they played games on him and the wives they were jealous of. But they excepted the decree of Allah and never got in the way of him marrying more... May Allah guide us to goodness and bless us with the best of spouses!

**suz** · 09-Jun-2005 01:20 AM

If my husband marrys a second wife I will break his neck.

**salsabil** · 09-Jun-2005 01:27 AM

hey cuz ill second u on that, however, you can never be against what allah had decreed. I think every1 knows clearly what is says in the quran about this issue, no need to go get 101 statements from 101 different opinions. Its obvious. The man is allowed to, women cant be against it, however, the man has a situation on his hands if he does, he has to ask himself can i treat both justly?????????????????????? this is where ppl can fall into sin (men)
wasalam
ps, cuz when u get married than u can talk about ringing your hubbys neck

**suz** · 09-Jun-2005 01:31 AM

yeah Allah has alllowed it, Im not saying he hasnt....but if my husband did it id break his neck still.

**lailahaillallah** · 09-Jun-2005 03:57 AM

There is nothing wrong with a woman feeling betrayed, desterted when her husband marry's a second wife, that would be expected if she loved him.

i sincerely disagree with this. if he ran off with the 2nd wife and never or rarely spent time with the first, then fair enough but if he treats them justly and divides his time among the two in a just fashion, how is he betraying her or deserting her and what right does she have to feel or say that? if he wasnt being just and was really deserting her he'd be spending all his time with the 2nd wife or he'd just divorce her.

did the prophet betray or desert his wives when he married another? i dont think so. did he treat them justly? of course. was he deserting and betraying all of them by spending time with the others? of course not. to suggest that because a man might now have to divide his time and perhaps his resources between two wives is somehow "deserting" or "betraying" the 1st one, is ridiculous.

what about the 2nd wife who will only ever know this kind of married life? is she instantly brought to a similar level of "desertion and betrayl" because she's married to a man who shares his time, resources and affection with the 1st wife? i really dont think so.

i'll put it to you that the main reason that women these days are so upset by the concept of polygamy is because of the non-muslim concept of monogamous marriages has invaded muslim psyche to the point where it is now seen as something akin to makruh tahrimi. lol no one is willing it say its haram because that'd be blatant disbelief in what allah swt has legislated, yet everyone is like "i seriously think you shouldnt do it and everyone will be upset if you do." and my personal favourite "no man can/should do it these days because they're just not like the prophet or sahaba". the onus is not on people to conform their islam to fit the modern day mindset or culture, but the other way around, to conform their mindset and culture to something that resembles that of the salaf. which isnt to say we should all practice polygamy, not all the salaf did. the prophet didnt always either (ie. monogamous marriage to khadija). people might not choose to personally practice polygamy but there should not be such blatant scorn of the concept and those who wish to practice something that islam actually considers a commendable act.

i think there is a general consensus that any form of culture as long as it doesnt conflict with islam is acceptable. so if its the general culture that people dont marry more than 1 person, then that is acceptable, but to tell anyone they shouldnt practice polygamy or that it is bad or too hard orthat it "breaks the woman" etc is appalling considering its an act that allah swt legislated for muslimeen and was readily practiced by the salaf. if a woman really doesnt want her husband to marry a second wife she should write it in the marriage contract and leave it at that, instead of writing articles about it on the internet or talking and creating fitnah, this defaming of men in general and act that if practiced according to the sunnah is a perfectly pious act.

1. It must alleviate pain and suffering and not cause any pain or suffering.
2. If you have a young family, it is almost certain that polygamy is an abuse.
3. Polygamy to substitute a younger wife is an abuse of God's law (4:19).

i'm guessing that brother zwerf edited your post sister because whoever or wherever this 3 point plan came form is apparently dodgy, unislamic or some such. secondly i do not see any evidences for the statements made nor do i see them being made from a credible islamic authority.

firstly let me say i'm not 100% sure about this next bit so i'm willing to accept the wisdom of the other forum members and any references they can point me to on the subject but this is the best of my meagre knowledge.

i believe that the maliki madhab actually says one should consider ones 1st wife when taking another, although the simple fact is that permission of the 1st wife is impicit in islam and the fiqh of all madhabs to a degree by way of the marriage contract you can draw up and agree on when you marry. (please note, the hanafi madhab considers a marriage contract to be makruh tarhimi ie "prohibitively disliked" or "near prohibited", i'm not sure of the stance of other madhabs)

what this does mean though is ALL WOMEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO PREVENT THEMSELVES FROM EVER FALLING INTO SUCH AN APPARENTLY HORRIBLE STATE.(i say apparently horrible since they seem to dislike it so much). All women can stipulate in this contract that they dont want their husband taking another wife, many muslim countries practice this (egypt, jordan, syria etc). this is permitted according to Islam according to my knowledge (anyone wanna help me out here if they know otherwise, by all means insha'allah

i've read that some people reject putting this clause in the marriage contract, so any info would be good).

basically, because of this fact, if your husband wants to take a 2nd wife and does so, and you didnt want him too because it would be "turning away from you" and "deserting you" but you didnt write it in the contract, you cannot blame him because you should have put it in the marriage contract. that was your chance to "give permission" if you will.

you cannot say "he didnt consult me! i didnt want him to do it yet he just ran out and did it!" when you had ample chance! this aside, there is nothing within islam that states that it is necessary for a man's 1st wife to consent to his marriage of a second although he should consider the seriousness and the trials of polygamy and as sheikh mohammed salih al-munajjid says: "he should strive all he can to conciliate, reassure, and satisfy his first wife, in order to ease and mitigate the effect of the matter upon her." believe me brothers, the seriousness of your intention and your performance in polygamy is of vital importance as noted in sahih hadith: "Whoever has two wives and leans unduly to one of them will come on the Day of Judgment with half of his body leaning." [Sunan Abu Dawud, Reported by Abu Hurairah (RA)]

here are some fatwa pertaining to polygamy and men needing "permission":

http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=en...se&QR=61&dgn=4
fatwa of Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid

http://www.sunnipath.com/qandadetail...=4&sectionid=3
see the fatwa called "Polygyny in islam" by sheikh mohammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

as for:

1. It must alleviate pain and suffering and not cause any pain or suffering.

why must it be to "alleviate pain". this is ridiculous. where is the proof of this? i see NOTHING in quran or sunnah that lays this down as some kind of restriction on polygamy. of course one of the greatest reasons one might practice polygamy is to alleviate the pain or hardship of another, this is stressed in the quran and clearly in the sunnah of the prophet with him marrying widows with kids and divorcees, etc, but where is the daleel for this restriction? subhanallah

2. If you have a young family, it is almost certain that polygamy is an abuse.
3. Polygamy to substitute a younger wife is an abuse of God's law (4:19).

once again.. where is the daleel from quran and sunnah or from the scholars of islam that number 2. is the case?? there is nothing in the quran and sunnah to suggest this, this is merely written to cater to the temperament of women. i'm not saying that a lot of women might not get upset or jealous in this situation, and somewhat understandably so,yet theres no foundation for this restriction in islam. although i agree with the basic sentiment, taking a 2nd wife when you've just maried the first isnt exactly the most prudent of choices i dont think.

as for no.3 i suggest we consider restriction number 3 as UTTER RUBBISH.

let us see verse 4:19

YUSUFALI: O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may Take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.

PICKTHAL: O ye who believe! It is not lawful for you forcibly to inherit the women (of your deceased kinsmen), nor (that) ye should put constraint upon them that ye may take away a part of that which ye have given them, unless they be guilty of flagrant lewdness. But consort with them in kindness, for if ye hate them it may happen that ye hate a thing wherein Allah hath placed much good.

THIS VERSE IS TALKING ABOUT NOT TAKING BACK A WOMAN'S DOWRY UNLESS THEY HAVE BEEN LEWD - WHAT, BY ALLAH, DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH POLYGAMY ? subhanallah..

i humbly submit that whoever wrote those 3 restrictions should be ignored.

other conjured up restrictions are ones such as:

"it was only really applicable back then because muslims were constantly at war and there was so many more women than men."

Form one of the books By Dr Zakir Naik: Answers to Most Commonly Asked Questions.

In the USA, women outnumber men by 7.8 million. New York alone has one million more females as compared to the number of males, and of the male population of New York one-third are gays i.e sodomites. The U.S.A as a whole has more than twenty-five million gays. This means that these people do not wish to marry women. Great Britain has four million more females as compared to males. Germany has five million more females as compared to males. Russia has nine million more females than males. God alone knows how many million more females there are in the whole world as compared to males.

Even if every man got married to one woman, there would still be more than thirty million females in U.S.A who would not be able to get husbands (considering that America has twenty five million gays). There would be more than four million females in Great Britain, 5 million females in Germany and nine million females in Russia alone who would not be able to find a husband.

alhamdulilah.

we could go on refuting this kind of rubbish all day and night, however what i think you should ask yourselves is "what reason with good intention could a man have for practicing polygamy these days?" i, personally, think there are many reasons. some might include:

not wanting to fall into haram (e.g no longer physically attracted to his 1st wife but doesnt want to divorce her or do zina), wife cant concieve, the fact that theres millions of more women worldwide than men especially with the upsurge of homosexuality and constant warfare particularly in muslim countries, the fact so many muslim women live in poverty and war-like situtations and it'd be quite easy for a western brother to save one from a life of that, to look after widows, orphans and divorcees. etc

these are timeless reasons of obvious good intent, and clearly show the benefit to so many of polygamy. these are some of the many reasons that polygamy should be something that muslims praise instead of acting as so many do like this: "i know its halal but TFEH!" subhanallah!!! example:

yeah Allah has alllowed it, Im not saying he hasnt....but if my husband did it id break his neck still.

breaking your husbands neck for marrying ? subhanallah... last time i checked marriage was a righteous deed. if you dont wish a husband who will marry a second wife, then find one who doesnt want to and put it in the contract, and stay in a western country just to make sure but.... please ... could you not speak in such a fashion about a clearly permissible act? insha'allah. is it not enough to say "i personally would not wish my husband to marry another wife" instead of acting, as i said before, as thought its makruh tahrimi... i.e a permissible yet morally reprehensible act. no scholars judge polygamy thus, on what basis should anyone else?

**umm_mohammed** · 09-Jun-2005 07:48 AM

“I could not bear it. I ran to the window and hurled myself three stories to the ground.”

Women! No man is worth killing yourself for!

**UmmAhmad** · 09-Jun-2005 10:43 AM

Assalam alaikum,

Lol Umm Mohammed. Sounds a bit drama queenish to me. But we don't know how we would react in same situation.

Not to cause further debate but my husband and i have discussed the 2nd wife issue several times. I don't like the idea, but if is Allah's swt will for him to have another wife then so be it. And Allah swt never gives us more than we can handle.

**bluetooth** · 09-Jun-2005 12:03 PM

Let's remember that there's nothing wrong with a woman not wanting her husband to marry a second wife

Let's remember there is nothing wrong with a Man wanting to marry a second wife.
SubhanAllah we are condemning a brother for doing a Halal and Sunnah thing i.e Marrying a second wife Yet
we are not uttering a word about a sister who tried a purely haram action i.e throwing herself from a three story building and tried to commit suicide

She could not justify her action of suicidal attempt no matter what so ever

**lailahaillallah** · 09-Jun-2005 03:25 PM

lailahaillaallah: to be honest when i first came across this thread i went to google b'cuz i wanted to find out more info about polygamy,
this was one of the first to come up and when i read it i found it tottaly contradicted what i had read on this thread before hand, it really captured my attention, anyway i was talkin to my friend about it and we turned to the quran to see if these points had any meaning, i obviously wont be going to that site for any islamic info.

hehe sorry if i came across a bit harsh sis.. didnt mean to and i wasnt having a go at you personally, just those restrictions. yeh, looks like a good idea to not go near that website. jazakallah khair

Let's remember there is nothing wrong with a Man wanting to marry a second wife.
SubhanAllah we are condemning a brother for doing a Halal and Sunnah thing i.e Marrying a second wife Yet
we are not uttering a word about a sister who tried a purely haram action i.e throwing herself from a three story building and tried to commit suicide
She could not justify her action of suicidal attempt no matter what so ever

in my struggle to be comprehensive (i think im a perfectionist

) i missed an amazingly good point there. jazakallah khair. thankyou.

**bluetooth** · 09-Jun-2005 04:15 PM

(i think im a perfectionist )

lool u are akhi.......

**lailahaillallah** · 09-Jun-2005 04:47 PM

shhh you're not meant to agree with me subhanallah :P

**bluetooth** · 09-Jun-2005 04:51 PM

shhh you're not meant to agree with me subhanallah :P

LOL why not ???
coz you are just a women basher

**Muhammad Abdullah** · 09-Jun-2005 05:59 PM

Originally Posted by salsabil

hey cuz ill second u on that, however, you can never be against what allah had decreed. I think every1 knows clearly what is says in the quran about this issue, no need to go get 101 statements from 101 different opinions. Its obvious. The man is allowed to, women cant be against it, however, the man has a situation on his hands if he does, he has to ask himself can i treat both justly?????????????????????? this is where ppl can fall into sin (men)
wasalam
ps, cuz when u get married than u can talk about ringing your hubbys neck

I think a lot of brothers have trouble treating the first wife correctly, let alone taking a second. Brothers never worry about falling into sin with the first, why should they care about the second, third or fourth?!

**umm_mohammed** · 09-Jun-2005 06:00 PM

Originally Posted by UmmAhmad

Assalam alaikum,

Lol Umm Mohammed. Sounds a bit drama queenish to me. But we don't know how we would react in same situation.

Not to cause further debate but my husband and i have discussed the 2nd wife issue several times. I don't like the idea, but if is Allah's swt will for him to have another wife then so be it. And Allah swt never gives us more than we can handle.

Assalamu alaikum

lol well I know that I wouldn't kill myself or him for that matter

No man is worth killing yourself for or going to prison for. Not to mention Hell!!

We have also discussed another wife and I think that most of the time he just jokes about it. But if he did marry another? He'd have my full support insha'Allah.

**Muhammad Abdullah** · 09-Jun-2005 06:02 PM

Originally Posted by umm_mohammed

Assalamu alaikum

lol well I know that I wouldn't kill myself or him for that matter

No man is worth killing yourself for or going to prison for. Not to mention Hell!!

We have also discussed another wife and I think that most of the time he just jokes about it. But if he did marry another? He'd have my full support insha'Allah.

Mash'Allah, tabarakullah, I think my wife and urself would get on great!

**bluetooth** · 09-Jun-2005 06:06 PM

But if he did marry another? He'd have my full support insha'Allah.

MashAllah Sis May Allah give you jaza.
Maybe he just wants to listen this from you .hehehe
And by saying this he will shut up joking abt marrying another wife saying "grrr she doesnt get upset on this any more "

**lailahaillallah** · 09-Jun-2005 06:37 PM

Assalamu alaikum

lol well I know that I wouldn't kill myself or him for that matter No man is worth killing yourself for or going to prison for. Not to mention Hell!!

We have also discussed another wife and I think that most of the time he just jokes about it. But if he did marry another? He'd have my full support insha'Allah.

marriage isnt something to be joked about.

The Prophet (saw) said: “There are three matters in which it is not permissible to joke: marriage, divorce and emancipation (of a slave(s)).” [bukhari & muslim]

that aside, jazakallah khair for your views sister. It is, i think, a much more islamic attitude as opposed to belittling/degrading/cursing/etc men who would seek to practice polygamy, the making of ridiculous excuses to not practice the act and the general treatment of the polygamy as though its just this side of haram.

allahu alam

**amatul_rahmaan** · 09-Jun-2005 10:51 PM

lol lailahaillallah, with all og your comments, i wonder how many wives do you have or thinking about having

PS: it's a not a question but it's an idea that crossed my head and i wanted to say it loudly.

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